my internet’s still patchy.
and i’m really worried for a certain acquaintance.
we were supposed to meet on monday, but due to a certain calamity that began saturday it never happened.
i’m still unable to get in contact with her up to now. i’m really worried.
the rain had never stopped last saturday. i hadn’t realized how much of a disaster it was until i saw it on tv and my parents had to call from overseas.
one friend, some other acquaintances and my aunt’s house had also been submerged in water. that one friend i finally got in contact, and her house had been submerged to the roof. “ground zero” was just a couple of miles away, and to think that my aunt’s house was just a few miles from our house, and she said if the wall separating their area from ours had broken down should the flooding increase, the waters would have affected us as well.
it honestly feels terrible, the helplessness. the world is really changing a lot into the worse it seems.
if anyone can read this, please send your help to Red Cross.
1. Today, Masa’s blog design changed.
i like it, it feels more “rock” and nearest to his image right now X3.
2. and I want to see this. yay Ryu’s still there =D!
3. I would have wanted to see this. Leslie Kee… ;^;~~~~~~~~~
4. i didn’t realize how much i’ve missed Plastic Tree until i saw some of their latest pics. Ryutarou retro-ing to the lipstick? but anyway… it’s also now that i’ve known that Bucchi doesn’t drum for them anymore too, so… D=
i don’t know who really writes in this “official blog” though.
5. the PV of this video is still one of the most epic jrock videos of all time for me X3.
6. i just love the Buck-Tick community in LJ. it’s got to be one of the friendliest, drama-less, quite ego-less because egos never really go away XD, and happiest comms out there. i really enjoy it there X3, like so much that i want to share BT stuff except i don’t have that much BT stuff that wasn’t already uploaded and shared somewhere XDD;;.
and the latest talk about Atsushi only being in #65 at the “Most Beautiful Men” poll of Tsutaya which is, like, sacrilege for me adkslfjldsfjldsfjk i mean are people blind? i really kind of expected him near to Gackt and Hyde who are near the top, and someone even making use of the Beauty Mask to disprove this poll = SHEER EPIC WIN XD though an opinion or two doesn’t really support the whole Beauty Mask thing, STILL. i enjoy seeing how creative people can get♥.
7. decide decide decide… but i think it’s too late to decide already >__<.. i really want to buy Rikkai’s ~OVA Another Story~Vol 2, but only because of the bonus illustration sheet… ARGGH what should i do…
argh… and no money ;^;…
and then there’s Masa’s upcoming single. and the Final Match Rikkai First DVD. and the Kuroshitsuji myu really tempted.. mainly because of YUYA. and i yet have to buy those AVARUS volumes…
*dies*
8. reminds me, i still want to get this FFVII Complete. though Play-asia’s listing on subtitle information and BD region code is confusing (i thought all FFVII Complete BDs are region-free??). and even if i don’t have a BD player yet XD;.
9. Masa, I want your charamate too.
10. Too many girls. =.^;;.
11. somehow my heart really wibbles this time everytime i see this pairing. i still couldn’t make the more solid connection though. are they actually of the same management?
12. Shin-chan’s mangaka is dead >__<. i… just couldn’t believe it. it’s really one of those crude irreverent anime i really enjoyed aside from Ebichu and Sexy Commando. it’s so full of memories for me… what will happen to Shin-chan now DDDDD=???
it’s like… knowing that the original author of Trinity Blood is dead >__<;;..
13. This is the post I’ll remember for the rest of my life.
and one that i’ll just have to continue remembering to be constantly on がんばります～～～ mode ^^;.
ah, it’s hard staying positive. but i realize i don’t have to force myself to be positive. i just have to be even more determined than i already am. yosh 0(^__^)o!!
still working on the 400-500+ lj backposts yoyo *dies* for -weeks-. actually down to the 240+ mark now. やった.
actually been busy working to sell off some stuff to get myself cut up — i.e., get operated to remove a certain lump on my abdomen. then there would be the biopsy after.
so naturally i’m actually scared because i don’t know if it would be as worse as it looks, and also depressed, because i feel so alone in this endeavor ＊苦笑＊ among other quite connected things. like, alone as in i’d most likely check into a hospital alone ＊苦笑＊. but then me being depressed -again- is just kind of a “relapse” thing. like, i’m starting to think me being sad yet again is a seasonal thing @___@;;, so…
i guess it just makes it worse that there’s no bottle when you need it, and i don’t smoke ＊苦笑＊. add to that you read some depressing/negative things. but then that is a given. and a necessary as well, not that i’m a masochist but because i believe in balance.
i’m just kind of upset i guess that after all this time i think i’m still not used to people -intentionally- hurting people, that i get hurt or upset over that. i honestly don’t know if i’m by definition actually “upset” — since i think i cannot exactly “put” my feelings into the “correct words”.
ok, i think i’ll use “a bit pissed off”.
xxx — already a given. as introduced. i don’t know though about the immediate people around, but i’d like to give the benefit of the doubt.
was “upset”, but now i just pity. so much that i forgot what to say. i guess it was just bound to happen.
or… i think i remember. that someday would just be another disappearance, and people would either think “meh” or “good riddance”. or, what held now could actually be not real, as those could be keeping you just because they’d like to keep their enemies closer.
but for me, another of the persons i wish i wouldn’t meet, because i would just hate myself if i’d force myself to act civil. but i couldn’t bring to hate.
i still don’t get why some people -like- putting down other people. as in they actually mean it, and derive self-satisfaction with it. but then i think i’ve learned somewhere along the way that everything in excess is some sort of “overcompensation”.
so that is a kind of calming factor to me. i -can- initially get upset at that though, sometimes even lash out, but i’ve accepted that initial reaction is normal and that eventually i know that it would all simmer down to pity or anything -not- negative because in my heart of hearts i know what it all is though i couldn’t find the words to describe -what- it is. and i know that i’m not the one who’ll eventually put that person in their place.
the time that “one” comes though… well, i just hope that person can get up.
i don’t intentionally hurt people. but there are some times i don’t feel like silence is golden atm because i have to speak what i think is right. somehow 1 in 100 gets offended sometimes though. i’m starting to think it’s all actually egos running over egos, where people forget they are actually talking on equal grounds about the right and the wrong. and when it’s a matter of ego in the equation, it’s all just illogical and so out of the real topic, so it’s not a matter worth discussing anymore. but i still say sorry, for the situation being out of hand. others though… undescribable.
i actually like peace, and the idea of humility. others somehow couldn’t be that way or don’t want to. but i guess that is why there are those who like peace and humility.
and those who can’t take the heat, just don’t. not because they’re scared or tired or intimidated or resigned, but because it’s just a waste of time and energy.
and i think this is the last time i’ll ever write down a negative feeling to a certain someone. i may be dying and all anyway for all i know, so… ＊苦笑＊
ah… add to that, i think i’d avoid talking about death and dying. except if i have to do proper tributes. i mean, the end would just 「 come without hurrying, tomorrow will come without prayers 」, right? um. that is a Wild Adapter catchphrase lol.
just like, 「 God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, and the wisdom to know the difference 」?
…i’m actually just praying right now for even more tolerance. and that my sickness isn’t as worse as it looks.
all my life i’ve been surrounded by hate and negativity, so… i should just continue working to give myself a chance. so i’ll try not to mind people or occurrences that try to put me down. if they try continue doing so… meh and divine retribution. and let Oasis’ Don’t Look Back in Anger LSS in my head.
(i kind of remember these guys though:
which my cousin still cut up today for their project though i tried to bribe repeatedly on buying them off even if i don’t have money yet ;^;… arggh stop it, me >___<…!)
*
sooo… this is a fresh start. i actually feel a bit better now. i’ll just write about things positive or neutral and works-related, and convert the negativity to something productive. or, at least, i’ll do my best to. this is not denial, but i simply just wouldn’t want to burden myself or others with anything more than they have now.
um so missing rikkai clearfile was kind of solved with a bit of refund, but not. anyway, Rikkai-esque wrestling in niconico (most awesome post ever), ieatchu’s fics, and Alice in Wonderland’s Official Trailer just kind of made me feel even better. with these (finally!), from a few days ago:
yay i’m going to see Baba+hood drama+hydraulics again. and Masa and Buck-Tick backstages. so it’s all good^^.
i’ll also continue trying to post shorter^^;;. maybe, Ryo-like shorter? XD.
