blackbook

pain.

i don’t know why i still write here （苦笑）. as if anybody actually reads this.

i’m such a wimp （苦笑）.

i wrote some long painful entry earlier, but then 2 hours later made it private.

um. apparently settings here doesn’t work on another site^^;… i wonder then if that would eventually disappear?

when i say there are pieces of me, i could really only say pieces of me.

when i was in uni doing my thesis, one of the greatest lessons i have learned is that you could never really squeeze real life into a 1-hour film. much less 30 seconds or even less.

that was when i knew how to detach myself from a seemingly “personal” work in order to function properly.

i just couldn’t function properly right now.

coupled with things that are just not working out, things already acted on that all that is left is to -wait-. and i really could only painfully wait.

i envy those who can freely say their feelings and somehow never get judged, or receive reassuring responses. i wish i could be mean to redirect anger or whatever i’m be feeling right now, or simply be mean just for the sake of being mean and intolerant, but i can’t. and i couldn’t be envious either. that’s just not me.

things i could only… should only… keep to myself, i keep to myself.

it gets pretty lonely though. and painful （苦笑）.

i’m sorry.

much to my surprise, today my rikkaimyu stuff arrived XDDD!

…ehh it was missing the Rikkai Character File which i also ordered though @___@;;.  though i’ve acted on it already, i don’t know what’s going to happen now.  we’ll see=___=;; and i’ll try to be zen… despite trauma on past purchases ahaha @__@;…

i think original Rikkai still has the best pictures.  Niou!Masa and Yagyuu!Baba which is like “woah dammit Yagyuu is pointing at me is it getting hot here or what(XDDDD)” are still very very hot, Kanesaki looks so gorgeous/hot wow look at those legs and Genki♥♥♥ so beautiful*___*~~.

or this might just be my bias of course XDD;; because half of the time somehow it felt like the new ones were looking a bit “uptight” with their characters (except Ryu-chan lol or maybe his smiley face is just really good at hiding anything)… or maybe this is just me imagining things LOL, along with Ryu-chan and Mio and W-cast Kirihara <– *hmm i particularly like the look of this guy XDD, he is very good-looking but Genki is still the best Kirihara for me XDDD*.

…and most of the time I’m really like wanting Masuda to smile because somehow it feels just not so Yukimura without the smile X.x;;. i mean, even a bit XDD…?  not that I’m comparing him to Ouji, but even if the premise of the final Rikkaimyu seems too serious i’m really still itching to see the Yukimura smile in at least one character photo ahaha XDDD;;. but no XDDD;. though his overall aura is really all freaking screaming Yukimura to me XDDD.

and memopad… aldkfjslkfjlkjlkjl so thick and 2 copies each of same picture and of course i wouldn’t use it ahahahaXDDD.  as much as i’m disappointed that Masa and Baba’s photoshoot session seemed to never meet, i’m still wibbling at all the pics, specially of that Masa+Ryuu one (sempai-kouhai times XDDD!) and this:

awww the sweetest, most adorable smile^____^~~~~ i think i’m already sold and i’ll be watching Ryu-chan from now on ahaha XDD.  smiley-face seems to be one of the sweetest and genuinely fun-loving person out there ahaha.

and one nice addition it seems to the pamphlet is a “favorite goods” section though i would have appreciated bigger pics ala DL5 or maybe this is just me looking for more Masa+Baba stuff:

umm of all favorite “goods”… can you actually term as “goods” his DOG Ryuu-chan ahaha XDD.  but then that is Baba for you… he never honestly loves anything but his dogs XDDD mehh kidding aside this section could actually be also interpreted as “favorite things” section. and seeing Masa with darts again… um yeah. i actually expected incense or Animale again, but then… ok yeah *note to self* that tribal design looks pretty awesome too.

awww Genki the otaku♥♥♥~~~ i seriously think if he hadn’t been an actor he would have been a manga artist XD.  and i kind of agree that Ryu-chan could look to be a herbal-supplement type of guy~~

now that corkboard is giving me ideas XDDD. it’s much like Tomo’s racks of his necklace collection, but COOLER. might not work in a country that could be as hot and generally dusty like mine though, and where non-silver things could easily rust XDD;;. and i miss my Mac ;o; i’ll get you back MacBook Pro one day…!

these also arrived too, but haven’t checked out yet XDD… too hot to even move… i’m kind of considering already just sleeping in the daytime/noon instead of at night like before, just to get things done as i cannot do things when the heat’s also making my head hurt. if it weren’t for the Hunter X Hunter and Law and Order reruns argh… i actually love Law and Order: Criminal Intent the most:

HAPPY BIRTHDAY (^o^)/ !

GODSPEED~~~♥ GOD BLESS!

///shinya

…at 12:17am-12:20am yesterday.

and just a few hours after the 23rd had ended, i had an epiphany.

from now on, August 23 will be my “New Year”.

it would be a time to look back on “how far i’ve progressed through my life/goals”.  will i have almost the same number of accomplishments as Masa in a year? or even more?

…this was when i saw there’s still no improvement yet in my Japanese （苦笑）.

how can i even begin to describe him…

he’s the person i really admire, mainly because of his strength of character.

and most of all, he never fails to acknowledge his mistakes, talk about it, maybe even beat himself about it^^;; (@.@;;)… but still gets up from it and moves on and try to be even better.

as it is natural for humans, created with eyes that just look towards others and never in, some people are just >_> towards him because they just see his faults.  but i don’t think anyone deserves to be beaten down just because they have faults… people who get up and go on fighting for their goals deserve to be cheered on, right?

i can’t help but repeat this, but he’s the only person who made me believe in all the positive connotations and metaphors they have for the sun.

being an inspiration to lots of people. i think that is Masa’s greatest accomplishment.  and i find it endearing that somehow he doesn’t seem to be aware of it… i really hope he doesn’t change ♥.

it’s not just egoist thinking on my part but, someday, i would want to be an inspiration to lots of people too.

and he’s the type of person who you would want to see in person in real life.  and he’s really better seen in real life.

and he’ll just make you fall in love or be inspired with his charisma all over again.

and then you’d find you’d want to see him again. and again. and again.

somehow, one meeting is never enough.

you’d crave to shake hands with him, or have your picture taken with him, or have a conversation with him, or maybe get him even to touch you or be your friend.

but even that is never enough.

it’s the basic fault of us humans — we get some, but still we keep on wanting.

but i think that is a good thing.  want and needs make life progress.  i personally, have already accepted that i should keep on wanting to really know and feel that i am alive.

um. going back.  so i really think that those who get to meet him personally (and most of all interact with him personally) are very lucky.  those people are the ones who also worked for something extra special in their life, that somehow life drew a pattern that their paths should cross with Masa.  i could believe in something that esoteric XD.

and this dedication to him is somehow also never enough.

um. i sound so lovesick^^;;.  basically, i just want to see him again.

or, ideally, our professions cross each other.

it seems impossible but… it’s possible! *determined*

i would certainly want to work with someone like Masataka Nakagauchi.

i really think Leslie Kee and Masa are also lucky to have met each other professionally.  they are like… a dream tandem for me *____*.  i would never have imagined that he specifically from the visual arts would meet him from the performing arts… it’s like my ultimate dream come true ;o;~~~.

and i really want to attend that Masa+Leslie Kee Talk Event for Zodiac. and of course have my copy of Zodiac signed by them both (as an artist, i really really want to see Leslie Kee in person as well!  it’s only just recently that i’ve seen that his photography style is one of the visual styles i’ve always wanted to achieve as a kid). But… no way to ;o;…  (willing to pay anyone for it argh…  Crescent Shop and SMJ just doesn’t do events like this ;o;)

this picture is from his calendar at July-August XD.

1. and it was Sun Will Shine Away.

well, what do you know…

i had been taking another of those e-mailed quizzes again ^^;

2. suddenly someone had provided a DL for the film In The Realm of Senses, and i was just like aldkjflsdkljfdsfhsklf!!!  like, omgbbq*o* that was one film i FOREVER wanted to see due to my collegemates since my days at the uni, but somehow i never landed in the class that screens it.

…it’s… almost, if not totally, going into the X-rated genre though XDDD (but then, if it is something that is being screened in a film class, then it must have its merits, right?? so… yeah i’m also so curious to see how a film going into R could be actually allowed in a film class XDDDD. but then my uni is reputed to be so liberal, so…)

3. so did JPQueen… RETURN???

i’m actually shocked… and absolutely 0___0!!!XDDDDDD!!… at seeing the usual e-mail notification when they find a work i’m particularly looking for. i mean… is this for real..??? if so, i’m really among the happiest out there…!

4. i’ll see if i can finish this D1 doujinshi i’ve targeted to show tomorrow, the 20th. sort of my make-up piece for missing 8/2 day.

…ugghh though the story’s all complete with dialogue it’s all still in blue pencil and scratchy though. and i definitely need a shuteye @___@;;.

5. when i feel down, or things make me feel down — like, just knowing a few mins later after of posting that two posts ago that the Niou x Fuji match had actually happened at this part of the Final Rikkaimyu (meaning, my plans of going to Japan for the supposed Niou part at Dec/Jan are practically SHATTERED), and also being frustrated that even if they’re doing live simulcast of it I still won’t be able to watch it since I’m not in Japan…

… i usually just game game game this.

been busy leveling a dire pet and doing the daily zaishen quests. and finally getting that everlasting potion that could make you look from this

to this

yeah. i feel so GODLY ahahaha XD.

6. which usually leads to me having not much time to check my LJ >.<;;. so it’s like… 500+ posts now akdfhlkdsfdlsjflsj. i say 500+ because i don’t even remember the last latest post i remembered checking =___=.

i don’t mind taking time to go back through those 500+ posts though it’s admittedly like, wah, daunting@___@;;. even if i happen to chance on the most negative-sounding posts. and commenting if i feel like it though it seems already too late to whoever posted. yeah, it all sounds so wtf and geeky, but well. it kind of feels wrong if i don’t check back on all those posts. and i think that’s the only way i could show my appreciation…? or maybe i’m just too diligent^^;;.

i made Masa’s post to Genki as the last point then. and that was way back 8/5 aldkjflskjdfdlsjkf. argh i haven’t even checked Genki’s blog yet.

7. been trying to understand facebook as well.

urgh… kind of a little complicated. and seemingly a lot buggy@___@ that it’s discouraging (specially on the issue of privacy, like some settings not working properly for turning off views of certain content to some people).  well, if it wasn’t for the reestablishment of networks i wouldn’t even have thought of considering it. so meh.

…argh. i guess i’ll stay at multiply for a while.

8. i really need to concentrate on selling the cam already for my operation.  but i can’t concentrate when my room is still that messed up. argh if only i could actually be able to drill a hole in the wall to set up that shelf i would have done it already but no =___=.

sometimes, i really have trouble multitasking/prioritizing/moving on specially if the first on my agenda hadn’t been finished yet. argh.

9. uwahhh Sephiroth’s so cute ;0;~~~!!!

i skip all those things i wanted to post for long by posting this.

i’ve always wanted to listen to Versailles.

while i admit that they were really eye-catching with their neo-Victorian look, i had been wondering at their tag “philharmonic”, at how they could be philharmonic with rock instruments, and really wondering if they are another Malice Mizer, or another of those who employ the same look and sound as neo-classical.

well, i realize that i really missed Malice Mizer. and yeah, Velvet Eden and Schwarz Stein.  so as you can see, part of my taste in music run along theirs.  and i happened to learn as well that Kamijo is one of them. and Kamijo was from Lareine. and Lareine also happened to be just one of those bands whose amount of songs i just couldn’t delete off my mp3 folder. and i wanted to know then how they could be different from Lareine.

basically, i haven’t sampled any of their music yet.

then, just this afternoon reading at my cdjapan notification, i read that Jasmine You, their bassist, had died a few days ago.

i was honestly shocked. it’s almost like that anecdote of a former classmate who just had bought and began to listen and fave New Radicals, only to learn of them disbanding the next day.

somehow i know though that my shock isn’t any more than the fans who had already been following them.

what does it feel to know you’re going to die soon? or not knowing that you’re going to die?  how would you spend your day?  how would you think, if you know or do not know that tomorrow you’ll just stop breathing, stop seeing everything you’ve lived for?

i honestly don’t want to think, or even imagine.

though i really wanted to avoid anything that talks about death… because…

Jasmine You… was a very beautiful person.  from all the pictures i’ve seen of him, somehow the word “butterfly” comes to mind.

i’m also somehow reminded of Kami.

so to you, to that butterfly in the sky.

you will surely be missed.

if everyone thinks that just because i don’t have work right now i have that much free time in my hands = NOT XD. and i hate being accused of that. had been trying to clear The Great Big Mess™ the Elders left while trying not to go insane+bearing all the rl drama my Pack just majestically seems to concoct everytime, and i’m kinda proud to say i’m about 90% completed (because i also have to clean up my computer room eh).

just have to drill a hole in the wall, figure out where to put things in the limited space this is actually the hardest thing because there’s not much space anymore alsjfsldjfldlk and i still have my props box to worry about, clean a little more, and i should be done and zen enough to start looking for work again.

and i’ve pretty much decided too that i’ll be watching the 2nd part of the Final Rikkaimyu this December/January. i mean, because by manga-timeline (and myu cutting) Niou is supposed to play singles against Fuji, and singles is usually on the 2nd part of the myus. for all i know that may be the last time i’ll see Masa… or actually Baba (because his management just abruptly cuts him off from whatever fun thing he is in for the sake of “career advancement” reasons unknown)… in Tenimyu.  or the first and last time i’ll see a Tenimyu ever.

[ though... i seriously would want to see the elimination matches in Shinpuri come to life... if ever Shinpuri would actually happen XDDD. and i would definitely definitely still want Baba and Masa to play their parts. ( cut because there may be Shinpuri spoilers here for those who still have not read ) ]

just have to sell something very important to me to cover at least half of the travel expenses (i can earn for the tickets anyway… hopefully!). but…

my plan of finally getting a dslr aside from saving for that “another Japan trip” is kinda botched though…

( cut for a depressing, shocking, life contemplating, morbid thing )