this is terrible. my first day of OJT was terrible. suddenly i wonder again if i should stay there at all. my mind is warring against my heart — in my heart of hearts i know i’m not supposed to be there, my skills are not for this, and i know all throughout my stay i would only be a struggling employee, perhaps even a liability to the company… but i have to be there. to get money.
i’m that desperate.
it makes me sick to the stomach.
two weeks of OJT to go, then 4 weeks consisting of no assist for the two weeks and job certification tests for the last two weeks. if i don’t pass at the third week examination, i’m made to try again at the fourth. if i don’t pass at the fourth, i am terminated.
i wish i would just not pass at the third and fourth, because i really hate the account because my whole being’s really protesting against it now, but i hope they would not just trash/terminate us and just refer us to an easier account.
i tried my best anyway. the best i could even though technically i’m not intellectually and emotionally fit (but of course i hide that, i do need a job after all…) for this job — i just wish they could see that, and just transfer me to the account i really want.
i want to give up. i really do. but i need the money. i need to exit this company gracefully, but i do not know if i could last for another five weeks and three months here (the average you could stay before resigning gracefully and get accepted to another company), without getting all those warnings from the higher-ups that would risk getting me into an early, disgraceful termination…
too bad. i already loved the company. (but i really cannot stress anymore that I SIMPLY HATE THE ACCOUNT ASSIGNED TO ME).
i realize even more, that i’m better relaying messages to other people rather than solving problems for them. the IP relay position, yes — what I really wanted but i didn’t get by default. my only consolation is that, at least, this is another self-realization and life lesson for me…
sorry. my mood was actually worse earlier. i know this isn’t the right journal to do this, and i do not really know what i’m saying anymore above *bitter laugh*. but i know i should let this out. just so you know the other side.
it’s not just my dolls i’m saving for, it’s also for that flat i would want to live in at the future. and also for my life.
i couldn’t sleep. dammit. and considering i really need to sleep just to survive the night of bearing the job again @_@…
LJ stolen X.x
1. What exactly are you wearing right now?
some dark pink shirt and 3/4 shorts.
2. What is your current problem?
Passing all these damned certification tests and not be bored throughout the whole training so i can finally secure this job. And having no money yet for the July balloon amortization @__@. And having to pay some debts… yeah, mostly money =/
3. What makes you most happy?
accomplishing and getting the things i want =3.
4. If you could go back in time, and change something, what would it be?
Nothing.
5. Ever have a near death experience?
no
6. What’s the name of the song that you’re listening to?
nothing right now
7. Any celeb you would marry?
none
8. Name someone with the same birthday as you?
I think Lee Oswald, supposed to be the assassin of JFK, is? *checks* yeah -__-;; (i knew i was an assassin in my fantasy life! hahaha X.x).
9. Have you ever sung in front of a large audience?
never!
10. What do you usually order from Starbucks?
something along the mint tea or raspberry tea side (i’m not really a Starbucks person =/)
11. Do you still watch kiddy movies or TV shows?
sometimes (i don’t really define most anime i watch now as “kiddy” =P)
12. Are you comfortable with your height?
not really^^;;;. i’m taller than some but still shorter than most… huh??? lol.
13. What magazines do you read?
right now I’m into 3D world and ImagineFX
14. Have you ever ridden in a limo?
nope
15. Has anyone you’re really close with passed away?
none as of the moment.
16. Do you ever watch MTV?
right now no (because MTV seems missing here @__@).
17. Do you ever watch MuchMusic?
ehhh i don’t know this…
18. What’s something that really annoys you?
extremely judgmental and closed-minded people (everybody has their own version of these, but some are just way off the charts @___@ and i couldn’t stand that).
19. Current location:
my pc/editing room.
20. Hair length:
shoulder length now
21. Eye color:
Black (with hints of very dark brown)
22. Do you live with your parents:
No
23. Do you get along with your parents:
most of the time and deep inside… no
24. Are your parents married/separated/divorced?:
married and still together.
25. What pets do you have?:
2 cats, and the family has 3 dogs and 1 puppy
26. FAVORITE City:
Venice =3
27. Ice cream flavor:
rocky road
28. Season?:
Autumn and winter.
29. Most amazing thing you have ever seen:
uhh… lots of things @___@. i can’t remember! lol
Do you..
1. Sing in the shower?:
no. it’s hard! (with water spraying on you) lol
2. Write memos on your hand?:
yes sometimes
3. Call people back?:
only when necessary and i have to
4. Sleep on a certain side of the bed?
at the left side near the edge.
5. Wear glasses or contacts?
glasses yes (too scared to try contacts)
6. Have any weird habits?
plenty, i think. or maybe i’m generally weird @_@
7. Bite people?
no lol
8. Ever smelled bad?
one time, i think -__-;;
9. Own any kinky undies?
LOL! no XDD
10. Like cheesy movies?
not really. hahaha XD
Have you ever…
1. Worn braces?:
yes
2. Broken a bone?
just a crack at my left arm.
3. Shoplifted?
Never
4. Taken painkillers?
lots of times
5. Gone SCUBA diving?
No
6. Been stung by a jellyfish?
No and i hope never
7. Been stung by a bee?
No and i hope never
8. Slept with your contacts in over night?:
i don’t have contacts =3
9. Thrown up in a restaurant?:
No
10. Been to overnight camp?
Yes.
11. Sworn in front of your parents?
never (it would be the end of the world for me if i do)
12. Had detention?
no (was too much of a good kid XD)
13. Been sent to the principals office?
No
14. Been called a bitch?
not yet! (let them try and i’d just raise an eyebrow XDD)
15. Been called a hoe?
no.
Last…
1. Person to call you?
i think my mother.
2. Three people you recently hugged?
Been hugging a lot recently X_x (and mostly it’s the same people haha).
3. Person you tackled?
none really haha
4. Thing you ate?
some mixed vegetables and meat chunks
5. Thing you drank?
water
i looooooove D1.
even more at the casting crew of the Rikkai Tenimyu, when they discovered the fantastic Nakagauchi Masataka and Baba Tooru. Baba Tooru actually looks… bleh… when he’s on normal, but on Yagyuu mode with those glasses omg he’s just so drop dead gorgeous XDD. and Nakagauchi’s so cuuuuute~~~
THEY’RE SO D1. even the height difference. omg it’s so accurate, so faithful to the manga D1…
in fact, they’re my wallpaper right now XDDD (and header at my doll LJ XD!):
(the wonderful pics are scans courtesy of Sharpie. and, ahh… yes. i have a messy desktop XDD)
the Rikkai Tenimyu is just so lolololol though… (well, Tenimyu is supposed to be made of lol anyway XD)
just sayin’ =P
