blackbook

so i received an e-mail today.

there’s this person "there was no fight, but…". as if on an attempt to reach out.

but i could only feel wary.

i couldn’t help too but feel too much like a snake — what we feel for each other isn’t the same, especially me to him, or the same as before. and i think it’s just on my side.

he thinks nothing’s wrong. nothing has changed. but it has.

and i’m not bothering to tell him anytime soon. it’s like… i don’t want to waste my energy on this person anymore.

i seem so cruel. but that is what i really feel at the moment.

it’s really just me as the problem, i would like to believe, and this guilt i’m feeling is just a by-product of such side of me that has too low self-esteem.

it may be me who has done the wrong, but when he demanded even more of me… i think i just snapped.

i do owe myself even a little bit of pride, you know. i have been putting it off for too long.

my only most glaring fault, i think, is i had hid that pride all too well. when i was running all around him.

and because of that, he didn’t know or see (or, maybe, acknowledge) the real me.

it’s so sad… we don’t feel the same.

anymore.

and i even don’t want to have anything to do with that person now.

now i even wish that person would just stop and give up… popping up everytime he wishes, or everytime he seems to crave for attention and company.

i don’t really care about that person anymore.

on even further thought, i just wish he’d disappear.

he already did that long ago anyway…

is this hate?

if it is, “how easily love can turn into hate…” seems so true…

so my cc failed me again -_-.

damn… 49 Lu-Wens left >_<.

anyway random meme thing from warmuse.

To do this meme, you should not look at the questions until you have listed the 12 characters. (gacked from kuromitsu)

1) Isaak Von Kampfer (Trinity Blood)
2) Dietrich von Lohengrin (Trinity Blood)
3) Abel Nightroad (Trinity Blood)
4) Trowa Barton (Gundam Wing)
5) Kurama (Yuu Yuu Hakusho)
6) Tokiya Mikagami (Rekka no honou)
7) L (Death Note)
8 ) Vincent Valentine (FFVII)
9) Muraki (Yami no Matsuei)
10) Midou Ban (Getbackers)
11) Tezuka Kunimitsu (Prince of Tennis)
12) Oshitari Yuushi (Prince of Tennis)

( this is just the first layer… )

ok looking back at my quiz results at the previous post…

… really not a good sign ><. especially if you’re applying for a job where you need to be all perky and gregarious — the ever-dreaded CUSTOMER SERVICE.

i have no choice. the job i was pining for turned me down on the grounds that i didn’t have extensive experience speaking with foreigners (especially Americans) and I still haven’t achieved that damned “neutral accent”. or so the recruiting officer says. 

anyway she seemed pretty kind, and advised me to get 3-6 months at least of that experience and just re-apply again after.  apparently i’m still not even cut for further training in their company (because I’M A COMPLETE NEWBIE).

inadvertantly she led me to the dreaded CUSTOMER SERVICE job.

… hell, who would accept someone like me to even train in their Customer Service post anyway…? when my accent’s the problem >.<??

isn’t the training supposed to be there to fix that accent problem???

what’s really wrong here????

when in reality the least i want is talk too much with people…. (i guess they saw through that, lol)

but i guess i have to put on my fake front sometime… the price of being in desperation times -_-…

Take Free Jung Personality Test
personality tests by similarminds.com

Take Free Enneagram Personality Test
personality tests by similarminds.com

Take Free Enneagram Personality Test
personality tests by similarminds.com

fine print thing:

 Introverted (I) 80% Extroverted (E) 20%
Intuitive (N) 56.76% Sensing (S) 43.24%
Feeling (F) 55.56% Thinking (T) 44.44%
Perceiving (P) 50% Judging (J) 50%

quite true lol. i sometimes creep out myself 0_0

what do you know? linky.

i don’t use all of the above XD.

anyway, i think i’m ok now (see my dps site for details).

however i think i have an incoming problem… the package I’m supposed to send to LUTS might have a wrong address written on it… instead of “Jongro-gu” I wrote “Jongno-gu”. WHICH ISN’T MY FAULT BECAUSE THAT’S WHAT LUTS E-MAILED ME DAMMIT >_<!!! (i’m so Googling “Jongno-gu” after this and if it exists in Korea, contacting Luts asap maybe, and cross my fingers that the couriers are intelligent and understanding of a one-letter difference in an address… drat ><!!!)

i fucking hate doing this cv.

wtf all these thinking of flowery words that would most likely be never read.

i hate doing interviews. don’t you fucking dare ask me things. i hate talking. i hate having to impress people.

fake good face forward, sucking it up. it’s all too fucking fake.

fuck.

so i was making my long-procrastinated cv this morning, and i just realize how little achievements i have XD. or at least, achievements i could easily put into words.

am i supposed to have that much achievements now? i mean i just graduated from uni last year 0_0 (and all my achievements from my previous education just seems too old and invalid now)

but those achievements i had… were REAL achievements. i learned a lot from those, had too much people to deal with because of those, went through a lot because of those.

so basically i could elaborate in words all i’ve “achieved” in those two simple sentences. but just looking at the text on paper it really doesn’t seem enough to impress (for me at least XD, because it’s only two). i have to cook up more sentences without boring the prospective employer…

as for other news i’ve changed one of my user pics in my bjd LJ.

*i’m just so giggly over Shirota-san right now XD… one youthful actor i really appreciate, not just because he’s so おーげんきです～～！mainly because i sympathize of his efforts to be such a good actor and struggle to be recognized despite the silent discrimination on his mixed heritage. he’s Japanese/Spanish.*

as much as i don’t want the Wild Adapter one to go, I wanted to include a fun Shirota one. been deliberating which of these two dorky Shirota icons i should include though… i ended up scrapping the icon you see in this post^^

i dunno… that one user pic slot would more likely be rotated in the future… we’ll see.