blackbook

still working on the 400-500+ lj backposts yoyo *dies* for -weeks-. actually down to the 240+ mark now. やった.

actually been busy working to sell off some stuff to get myself cut up — i.e., get operated to remove a certain lump on my abdomen. then there would be the biopsy after.

so naturally i’m actually scared because i don’t know if it would be as worse as it looks, and also depressed, because i feel so alone in this endeavor ＊苦笑＊ among other quite connected things. like, alone as in i’d most likely check into a hospital alone　＊苦笑＊. but then me being depressed -again- is just kind of a “relapse” thing. like, i’m starting to think me being sad yet again is a seasonal thing @___@;;, so…

i guess it just makes it worse that there’s no bottle when you need it, and i don’t smoke ＊苦笑＊. add to that you read some depressing/negative things. but then that is a given. and a necessary as well, not that i’m a masochist but because i believe in balance.

i’m just kind of upset i guess that after all this time i think i’m still not used to people -intentionally- hurting people, that i get hurt or upset over that. i honestly don’t know if i’m by definition actually “upset” — since i think i cannot exactly “put” my feelings into the “correct words”.

ok, i think i’ll use “a bit pissed off”.

xxx — already a given. as introduced. i don’t know though about the immediate people around, but i’d like to give the benefit of the doubt.

was “upset”, but now i just pity. so much that i forgot what to say. i guess it was just bound to happen.

or… i think i remember. that someday would just be another disappearance, and people would either think “meh” or “good riddance”. or, what held now could actually be not real, as those could be keeping you just because they’d like to keep their enemies closer.

but for me, another of the persons i wish i wouldn’t meet, because i would just hate myself if i’d force myself to act civil. but i couldn’t bring to hate.

i still don’t get why some people -like- putting down other people. as in they actually mean it, and derive self-satisfaction with it. but then i think i’ve learned somewhere along the way that everything in excess is some sort of “overcompensation”.

so that is a kind of calming factor to me. i -can- initially get upset at that though, sometimes even lash out, but i’ve accepted that initial reaction is normal and that eventually i know that it would all simmer down to pity or anything -not- negative because in my heart of hearts i know what it all is though i couldn’t find the words to describe -what- it is. and i know that i’m not the one who’ll eventually put that person in their place.

the time that “one” comes though… well, i just hope that person can get up.

i don’t intentionally hurt people. but there are some times i don’t feel like silence is golden atm because i have to speak what i think is right. somehow 1 in 100 gets offended sometimes though. i’m starting to think it’s all actually egos running over egos, where people forget they are actually talking on equal grounds about the right and the wrong. and when it’s a matter of ego in the equation, it’s all just illogical and so out of the real topic, so it’s not a matter worth discussing anymore. but i still say sorry, for the situation being out of hand. others though… undescribable.

i actually like peace, and the idea of humility. others somehow couldn’t be that way or don’t want to. but i guess that is why there are those who like peace and humility.

and those who can’t take the heat, just don’t. not because they’re scared or tired or intimidated or resigned, but because it’s just a waste of time and energy.

and i think this is the last time i’ll ever write down a negative feeling to a certain someone. i may be dying and all anyway for all i know, so… ＊苦笑＊

ah… add to that, i think i’d avoid talking about death and dying. except if i have to do proper tributes. i mean, the end would just 「 come without hurrying, tomorrow will come without prayers 」, right? um. that is a Wild Adapter catchphrase lol.

just like, 「 God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, and the wisdom to know the difference 」?

…i’m actually just praying right now for even more tolerance. and that my sickness isn’t as worse as it looks.

all my life i’ve been surrounded by hate and negativity, so… i should just continue working to give myself a chance. so i’ll try not to mind people or occurrences that try to put me down. if they try continue doing so… meh and divine retribution.  and let Oasis’ Don’t Look Back in Anger LSS in my head.

(i kind of remember these guys though:

which my cousin still cut up today for their project though i tried to bribe repeatedly on buying them off even if i don’t have money yet ;^;… arggh stop it, me >___<…!)

*

sooo… this is a fresh start. i actually feel a bit better now. i’ll just write about things positive or neutral and works-related, and convert the negativity to something productive. or, at least, i’ll do my best to. this is not denial, but i simply just wouldn’t want to burden myself or others with anything more than they have now.

um so missing rikkai clearfile was kind of solved with a bit of refund, but not. anyway, Rikkai-esque wrestling in niconico (most awesome post ever), ieatchu’s fics, and Alice in Wonderland’s Official Trailer just kind of made me feel even better. with these (finally!), from a few days ago:

yay i’m going to see Baba+hood drama+hydraulics again. and Masa and Buck-Tick backstages. so it’s all good^^.

i’ll also continue trying to post shorter^^;;. maybe, Ryo-like shorter? XD.

my grandmother was hit by a jeep earlier today before lunch.

i had been sleepless the whole afternoon then shuttling her back and forth hospital rooms, scene of the crime, talking with people, being calm but obviously very very furious with the driver. it’s my grandmother for heaven’s sake, and she was at the right of way too.  it’s the common accident in my place actually —- caused by reckless, frequently ignoring boundaries, always on the rush drivers.

i can’t help but end our conversation with, “i’ll find you >=/ ”

… i find my behavior’s really almost similar to Yagyuu’s^^;.

no surprise, his birthdate is after mine.

what just made my day so far is getting to download some “オルトロスの犬” (Orthros no inu) CM (really excited for this drama X3), some Yasu flash from Nei, reading a new damn good D1 fic, rain, finally getting to talk to that firm (though… i’m quite bitter and fretty about what i heard) and getting commissioned to scan some old pics for a funeral service.

though last activity is admittedly creepy^^;. but i did enjoy looking at authentic old pics

paid LJ ended tonight too. aww. anyway, it had been fun while it lasted… i’d miss posting those icons though

contemplating whether to go to work tonight with all the recent events. i’m technically exhausted. i want to protect everyone from me suddenly snapping, i want to think. didn’t go to work =/.

uh.

?????

haven’t broken out the news yet gently, no calls yet from that firm — it’s been a damn month and despite their promises they haven’t called, tried calling but the line is still busy and i’m so running out of time and i so want to just resign from work but because of that mere technicality… dammit i went to them a month before wth were they saying “5-day review and approval???” and no mention of the damned hidden fees too, constant nagging and knocks at my door and it smells of paint and its too damn hot and messy and i have no place to put myself in and they really can’t damn tell when i’m tired and i really don’t want to talk to anyone…

i feel sick. i really really feel sick. i feel sick of it all.

my best friend.

…looks like i will be needing it now >__<;; (got rained on a bit yesterday).

today is showing all signs of being crappy, starting from around 4am. i’m forcing myself to cool my head, mentally say fu only once to that i would want to say that to. move on.

and i’ll be removing that makeshift clothesline in my room because that’s the source of all evil >=o.

but at least i’ve made an early accomplishment — finished scanning all my japan trip pics =D! and will be proceeding with applying for a parttime job online later. 

and later… alkfsldflsdflaflsdjlkjalk GUILD WARS UPDATE XDDD! i’m so excited! (storage upgrade…! pet ranch..? but how..???!??)… but… argh… i need to sleep ;^;…! but… but…!

1. it’s so hot ;^;

2. i still have no response to the “let’s migrate go to Canada!” emails. also to the phone calls. i feel lazy. i partly blame the heat. maybe later. when i’m drunk and i’m ready to have my mood spoiled.

3. in connection to #2, i quote, from the Art of War, “Know your enemy (after knowing yourself).”

4. BUCK-TICK’s Long Distance Call… ;^; and i got a sudden inspiration — so want to make a dollie photostory right now… but no camera and doll to do that with argh. maybe i’d watch their One Life, One Death Cut Up later. (or maybe do a marathon of all of Masa’s plays. idk. depends.)

5. so torn among finally e-mailing out some questions, looking through Canadian schools (in connection to #3), looking at some keitai, finally making my Multiply Masa-themed, finally deleting my old whitebook blog due to the spam infestation and just transferring the contents over to this (but unfortunately, not the comments ;^;)… as you can see, my sense of concentration on one thing is so always in question =___^;;.

6. finally, i think this is dried up! from being included in the laundry:

i think he feels so clean now (笑). that’s with Trowa at the side, minus the front hair due to my cousin’s son. i’ll do something about that in the future.

7. actually testing right now if that watermark image plugin would work…

8. Canon… why do you do this to me >o<….

(when it comes to cameras/video cameras, i am a Canon whore — starting with owning a XL1 ^^;;. but when it comes to built in cameras in phones, i go for Sony Ericsson but i think that’s about to change aljdlfjdslfjdlklsk.)

9.  it’s actually so amusing how Baba connects/disconnects himself from Tina. like, how he would talk/refer to himself as Tina… but no XD. confusing, much? nevertheless, he surely looks so hot and priceless as Tina XDD. like… guhh.

i’m really glad that he got to work with older people… he would surely learn from that kind of experience. i loved specially when they went on dork mode… i love that kind of pics XDDD (and i feel so tempted to buy myself a Polaroid too aldskjfldsjlsd).

i feel specially fond of 藤林美沙, who played Maria (the girl beside Baba). because she looks like one of my favorite older cousins^___^.

and… wow. that play is already over??? …yay?(!!! XDDDD) it felt like… so long overdue already XDDDD.

10. (connected maybe to #9) i’ll talk about some keitai. and some magazines. maybe. later.

11. it’s too hot ;^;…

for some reason i have this compulsion to watch Clint Eastwood’s Gran Torino. hm.

a few days ago

i realize there’s this little place i always frequent, when i’m tired and hungry but i don’t want to eat rice. and they serve this! classic hot almost tasteless dough and hot chocolate syrup… yum*____*. and at a good day like that time, i ate all the rays of this sunburst. but ended up not being able to eat the center anymore XD (took it to the office).

and that night

bean cake! with WALNUTS too *____*aldsjflsdjflsdfjlds. nice office snack, lasted me for a good 3 nights, perhaps. and its lucky~~~ ah… it’s empty lol.

but… aksldjflkdsfkldsj grr SMJ. for not giving shipping details like exact timeframe and their contact details and when it was actually sent… IF it was sent. and for late replying to emails too. and, can’t they just answer my questions directly??? AND THEY HAVE MY MASA TICKETS ASLFJDKGJDLFJSLDSK! 17 is the playdate! ARGH! grr, you FAIL >=c! and most likely would foil our plans to go around Nakano before the show at the 17th because we have to sit around fretting on tickets we don’t have yet! >___<!!!

pls pray that we would get the tickets at the 16th. or 17th morning. how the hell does overnight EMS work in Japan anyway?? do stuff really arrive on time before 5pm??? i guess SMJ is not really reliable for rush things, even if they claim overnight shipping =(.

so that i could give this

to Masa. the drama behind this gift-giving is actually… “what do you give to a person who has everything??!?“. XD;;;. i realize Masa is truly one lucky guy (i wish i had these much fans, so i could be given gifts i want/even if i don’t ask for it ahaha. and yes the psychedelic bag is intentional).

so pls pray for me for a safe trip! this is my first time flying, actually. because… it would really be a bummer/anticlimactic if plane just crashes or burns or we get snakes in there. if tragedy please contact my family and tell them my funeral song should be Guns N’ Roses’ November Rain. toned-down rearrangement is ok. because i understand it would be weird if the chant part’s included XD. and maybe some black, blue, and red roses too… <–no i’m not thinking of this!

and as much as i want to bring you, Toru, you’re too heavy >.< ! someday, when i’m richer and more confident flying. sorry…!

this long post is long because i’m really worried. because i’ll be gone for 5 days (developing pictures and going to work immediately included!). unless somewhere there lends his internet connection XD.

“Gud pm. May n0w pick ur pasport fr0m 9am-4:30pm Monday to Friday & Sat. 9am-11:30am. Kindly txbk ur c0mplete name “XXX INC.”

what what? have i been approved or what? what what WHAT D:???

*dreading tomorrow… frets*

because everybody seems to be doing it. and i’m not supposed to sleep (because i might oversleep again, and a taxi to rush to work is expensive =___=;;; *in cold turkey mode*).

( this is just the first layer… )

to Irei… er… Nei XD. finally met you omg *o*!

last weekend, i’m so happy ;__^~~~~

i finally have someone to fanmode with…!

and it’s really been fun ^o^…!

( Puri! )