blackbook

stuff that finally arrived the other day!  oooo big box…

( this is just the first layer… )

these actually arrived a few days ago.

uwahhh finally*_____*♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥~~~~~~~~

…though i would have wanted to make it all in one big shipping.  but then the Masa stuff had been sitting with them for months already, so…. D=;;;;.

and i kind of forgive SMJ for giving me multiple heart attacks on this specific shipment already ahaha.

i mourn once again i’m unable to use these kind of stuff ;0;~.  i can almost count now with my fingers the number of times i’ve been given near-privilege to go to a Masa event but i’m totally unable to come ;o;~~~ argh i swear i’ll do something about this in the future…! ahaha XD;;

anyway… some unexpected things as well♥:

woah. long posters are long XDDD♥. and once again i’m reminded of the eternal problem of where to put up all my Masa posters… now that my flat is gone… *cough* ok i’m SO not reminding myself of that flat again…

and another very very lovely thing♥♥♥:

omg i finally got myself a NEGAHYST XDDDD♥♥♥♥♥♥ and yes that’s a beautiful Yagyuu!Baba photoset right there too♥.  this is my very first hardcopy of their work, and… aldkjfldsjfkldsjf i really couldn’t describe my euphoria in getting this successfully right now XDDDD like up to now i’m still smiling giddily at my pc ahaha.  they’re one of my top 3 favorite doujinshi artists, the others being Fujino Akitsugu and Minami Ozaki *___*~~~

reminds me of still having to get myself a hardcopy of Fujino’s work =o=, which happened to be available at the time that my jpqueen order had to be finalized bleh~.~. and it was a Sweet Pool work too ;o;.

which brings me to what had arrived yesterday:

yes they’re really -alive-.

( this is just the first layer… )

still working on the 400-500+ lj backposts yoyo *dies* for -weeks-. actually down to the 240+ mark now. やった.

actually been busy working to sell off some stuff to get myself cut up — i.e., get operated to remove a certain lump on my abdomen. then there would be the biopsy after.

so naturally i’m actually scared because i don’t know if it would be as worse as it looks, and also depressed, because i feel so alone in this endeavor ＊苦笑＊ among other quite connected things. like, alone as in i’d most likely check into a hospital alone　＊苦笑＊. but then me being depressed -again- is just kind of a “relapse” thing. like, i’m starting to think me being sad yet again is a seasonal thing @___@;;, so…

i guess it just makes it worse that there’s no bottle when you need it, and i don’t smoke ＊苦笑＊. add to that you read some depressing/negative things. but then that is a given. and a necessary as well, not that i’m a masochist but because i believe in balance.

i’m just kind of upset i guess that after all this time i think i’m still not used to people -intentionally- hurting people, that i get hurt or upset over that. i honestly don’t know if i’m by definition actually “upset” — since i think i cannot exactly “put” my feelings into the “correct words”.

ok, i think i’ll use “a bit pissed off”.

xxx — already a given. as introduced. i don’t know though about the immediate people around, but i’d like to give the benefit of the doubt.

was “upset”, but now i just pity. so much that i forgot what to say. i guess it was just bound to happen.

or… i think i remember. that someday would just be another disappearance, and people would either think “meh” or “good riddance”. or, what held now could actually be not real, as those could be keeping you just because they’d like to keep their enemies closer.

but for me, another of the persons i wish i wouldn’t meet, because i would just hate myself if i’d force myself to act civil. but i couldn’t bring to hate.

i still don’t get why some people -like- putting down other people. as in they actually mean it, and derive self-satisfaction with it. but then i think i’ve learned somewhere along the way that everything in excess is some sort of “overcompensation”.

so that is a kind of calming factor to me. i -can- initially get upset at that though, sometimes even lash out, but i’ve accepted that initial reaction is normal and that eventually i know that it would all simmer down to pity or anything -not- negative because in my heart of hearts i know what it all is though i couldn’t find the words to describe -what- it is. and i know that i’m not the one who’ll eventually put that person in their place.

the time that “one” comes though… well, i just hope that person can get up.

i don’t intentionally hurt people. but there are some times i don’t feel like silence is golden atm because i have to speak what i think is right. somehow 1 in 100 gets offended sometimes though. i’m starting to think it’s all actually egos running over egos, where people forget they are actually talking on equal grounds about the right and the wrong. and when it’s a matter of ego in the equation, it’s all just illogical and so out of the real topic, so it’s not a matter worth discussing anymore. but i still say sorry, for the situation being out of hand. others though… undescribable.

i actually like peace, and the idea of humility. others somehow couldn’t be that way or don’t want to. but i guess that is why there are those who like peace and humility.

and those who can’t take the heat, just don’t. not because they’re scared or tired or intimidated or resigned, but because it’s just a waste of time and energy.

and i think this is the last time i’ll ever write down a negative feeling to a certain someone. i may be dying and all anyway for all i know, so… ＊苦笑＊

ah… add to that, i think i’d avoid talking about death and dying. except if i have to do proper tributes. i mean, the end would just 「 come without hurrying, tomorrow will come without prayers 」, right? um. that is a Wild Adapter catchphrase lol.

just like, 「 God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, and the wisdom to know the difference 」?

…i’m actually just praying right now for even more tolerance. and that my sickness isn’t as worse as it looks.

all my life i’ve been surrounded by hate and negativity, so… i should just continue working to give myself a chance. so i’ll try not to mind people or occurrences that try to put me down. if they try continue doing so… meh and divine retribution.  and let Oasis’ Don’t Look Back in Anger LSS in my head.

(i kind of remember these guys though:

which my cousin still cut up today for their project though i tried to bribe repeatedly on buying them off even if i don’t have money yet ;^;… arggh stop it, me >___<…!)

*

sooo… this is a fresh start. i actually feel a bit better now. i’ll just write about things positive or neutral and works-related, and convert the negativity to something productive. or, at least, i’ll do my best to. this is not denial, but i simply just wouldn’t want to burden myself or others with anything more than they have now.

um so missing rikkai clearfile was kind of solved with a bit of refund, but not. anyway, Rikkai-esque wrestling in niconico (most awesome post ever), ieatchu’s fics, and Alice in Wonderland’s Official Trailer just kind of made me feel even better. with these (finally!), from a few days ago:

yay i’m going to see Baba+hood drama+hydraulics again. and Masa and Buck-Tick backstages. so it’s all good^^.

i’ll also continue trying to post shorter^^;;. maybe, Ryo-like shorter? XD.

much to my surprise, today my rikkaimyu stuff arrived XDDD!

…ehh it was missing the Rikkai Character File which i also ordered though @___@;;.  though i’ve acted on it already, i don’t know what’s going to happen now.  we’ll see=___=;; and i’ll try to be zen… despite trauma on past purchases ahaha @__@;…

i think original Rikkai still has the best pictures.  Niou!Masa and Yagyuu!Baba which is like “woah dammit Yagyuu is pointing at me is it getting hot here or what(XDDDD)” are still very very hot, Kanesaki looks so gorgeous/hot wow look at those legs and Genki♥♥♥ so beautiful*___*~~.

or this might just be my bias of course XDD;; because half of the time somehow it felt like the new ones were looking a bit “uptight” with their characters (except Ryu-chan lol or maybe his smiley face is just really good at hiding anything)… or maybe this is just me imagining things LOL, along with Ryu-chan and Mio and W-cast Kirihara <– *hmm i particularly like the look of this guy XDD, he is very good-looking but Genki is still the best Kirihara for me XDDD*.

…and most of the time I’m really like wanting Masuda to smile because somehow it feels just not so Yukimura without the smile X.x;;. i mean, even a bit XDD…?  not that I’m comparing him to Ouji, but even if the premise of the final Rikkaimyu seems too serious i’m really still itching to see the Yukimura smile in at least one character photo ahaha XDDD;;. but no XDDD;. though his overall aura is really all freaking screaming Yukimura to me XDDD.

and memopad… aldkfjslkfjlkjlkjl so thick and 2 copies each of same picture and of course i wouldn’t use it ahahahaXDDD.  as much as i’m disappointed that Masa and Baba’s photoshoot session seemed to never meet, i’m still wibbling at all the pics, specially of that Masa+Ryuu one (sempai-kouhai times XDDD!) and this:

awww the sweetest, most adorable smile^____^~~~~ i think i’m already sold and i’ll be watching Ryu-chan from now on ahaha XDD.  smiley-face seems to be one of the sweetest and genuinely fun-loving person out there ahaha.

and one nice addition it seems to the pamphlet is a “favorite goods” section though i would have appreciated bigger pics ala DL5 or maybe this is just me looking for more Masa+Baba stuff:

umm of all favorite “goods”… can you actually term as “goods” his DOG Ryuu-chan ahaha XDD.  but then that is Baba for you… he never honestly loves anything but his dogs XDDD mehh kidding aside this section could actually be also interpreted as “favorite things” section. and seeing Masa with darts again… um yeah. i actually expected incense or Animale again, but then… ok yeah *note to self* that tribal design looks pretty awesome too.

awww Genki the otaku♥♥♥~~~ i seriously think if he hadn’t been an actor he would have been a manga artist XD.  and i kind of agree that Ryu-chan could look to be a herbal-supplement type of guy~~

now that corkboard is giving me ideas XDDD. it’s much like Tomo’s racks of his necklace collection, but COOLER. might not work in a country that could be as hot and generally dusty like mine though, and where non-silver things could easily rust XDD;;. and i miss my Mac ;o; i’ll get you back MacBook Pro one day…!

these also arrived too, but haven’t checked out yet XDD… too hot to even move… i’m kind of considering already just sleeping in the daytime/noon instead of at night like before, just to get things done as i cannot do things when the heat’s also making my head hurt. if it weren’t for the Hunter X Hunter and Law and Order reruns argh… i actually love Law and Order: Criminal Intent the most:

1.

so beautiful isn’t it ;o; ♥~~~~

anyway i have already ordered this photobook. and of course this:

just wishing that there will be no better deals than this on the other site >__<;;… honestly fretting the whole day yesterday on what the hell 「一般先行予約特典：other cut写真付」could be.  actually ordered everything i have to order, bjd items included, but i’m certainly watching out for whatever 「一般先行予約特典：other cut写真付」is. could this actually be something similar to Babansu style: other cut version? actually everything except those magazines from Nippon Export, because suddenly my card was all maxed out @___@;. dammit Masa you leave me broke >__<;.

i’m so in trouble now for my “to follow” purchases. and my backpay’s still awol for a month. i gotta have a job asap ahaha @___@;;.

2. speaking of photography, this is just so beautiful♥.

3. actually spent almost the past whole 2 days over this aside from the major cleaning still in progress… yay i would like to believe my room’s 60% completed already hahaha X__x;;… damn that is that LJ’s fault :

[ MW ].

alkdlfdslkffdklf so this is the “MW” i’ve been constantly seeing tagged with Tamaki Hiroshi on those magazines…

…and the most pwning fact of it all, is this was adapted from the original manga by OSAMU TEZUKA 0___0! yes, THE Osamu Tezuka!

aljsdlsjfldsflksd wahh from any animator’s main idol Tezuka*___*~~~  i certainly want to see this film!  really impressed by what i see on the trailer so far… i really want to see if the film did the manga justice!

currently reading on the manga, and i’m honestly impressed by what i’ve read at this point — about how so dark, raw, violent, and  unapologetic this manga is. if you think this is another Simba or Astroboy, and Black Jack is already the darkest you could get out of Tezuka,  then this manga is certainly not for you XDDD . the art still has the kind of “softness” that you see is characteristic in the Tezuka art-style, maybe almost Disney-like (rubbery legs, anyone?), but to me that also serves like a kind of shock factor to the extremely dark story it has. hell, it even has yaoi… couldn’t believe it myself *cough*… and it was so matter-of-fact (yet makes much sense) in the manga it almost makes me laughXDDD, it seems almost “cheeky”… but honestly it is not the yaoi factor that attracted me, it is all that sheer point-blank violence really XD.

this kind of promotional photo though posted in a movie theater in Shibuya is kind of distracting though:

i want to make this to an LJ icon… um. [ 禁断のエロチシズム ] (”Forbidden Eroticism”) eh? XDDD. though i have a feeling the film is anything but such. i have a feeling too it would be toned down like hell which usually happens to any literature-to-big-screen-adaptation =___=;, this homoerotic fact and sheer violence of the manga included.  though anyone with a not-too-innocent mind could kind of see some innuendo in this:

it’s such a sweet picture. uh. btw, Garai (the long-haired guy played by Takayuki Yamada, while his supposed manga version is anything but long-haired, shorter, and too mild-demeanored) is a priest.

anyway. looking forward to the dvd already. and i honestly want to buy the soundtrack argh money, again >.<. and also spawned such awesome merchandise:

awesomely simple, but kick-ass design right there*____* arghhh keep me away from silver accessories nooooo.

making of doesn’t give me much on camera techniques though >.< (i love looking more on the technical aspect ahaha)

anyway, this had also actually spawned me a whole new respect for Tamaki Hiroshi he actually reminds me of Takkun for some reason, or maybe it’s those megane shots XDD. i mean, i haven’t even watched Nodame Cantabile at all for the main reason that i really don’t dig shoujo manga that much X__X;; and the taiwanese dramas circa F4-craze are the last i had, and I was honestly kind of pouting that almost one whole Television Homme volume was dedicated only to him ahaha X__x…

But for a type-casted leading-man type to effectively play as a villain/anti-hero… that is really impressive isn’t it?? (I admit, I was really pwned seeing his expressions on the official trailers… though manga!Yuki is supposed to be kind of “soft” in design I think his dashing yet dangerous take on the character gave even more “real” dimension to Yuki, it honestly gave me the chills must be that smirk of death too XDDD)

was also looking at some gallery of Tamaki pics… you really couldn’t believe that from this wtf!gaunt Mister Donut character, to the ehh?2nd fiddle in Waterboys, he’d be like this (ok, but meh still looks ignorable), to this (he had been voted as “best in yukata” at the Oricon polls), to this:

ASDFKJDSKJFLKSDJF YOU HOT MAN WHERE HAD YOU BEEN ALL THIS TIME ahaha XDDDD.

and btw he’s not that young anymore (yay finally someone older than me =D ahaha) though on European standards that’s still not too old. maybe age and maturity really does wonders to the sex appeal of a person??  somehow he feels like wine, which gets better with age XDD don’t go too thin though >__<

4. speaking of age, sensei actually is one hot character too XDDD i really couldn’t help but call Sato Ryuta “sensei” still *dies*. can’t you believe he’s the afro guy in Kisarazu Cat’s Eye???

5. sorry, but this is just too cute XDDDD. WinXP Home wouldn’t do it for me though.

6. and in the process of looking for a bigger pic of that Tamaki x Yamada pic above *cough* i found this gem:

don’t you just want to do this to someone irl??? ahahaha XDDD

my best friend.

…looks like i will be needing it now >__<;; (got rained on a bit yesterday).

today is showing all signs of being crappy, starting from around 4am. i’m forcing myself to cool my head, mentally say fu only once to that i would want to say that to. move on.

and i’ll be removing that makeshift clothesline in my room because that’s the source of all evil >=o.

but at least i’ve made an early accomplishment — finished scanning all my japan trip pics =D! and will be proceeding with applying for a parttime job online later. 

and later… alkfsldflsdflaflsdjlkjalk GUILD WARS UPDATE XDDD! i’m so excited! (storage upgrade…! pet ranch..? but how..???!??)… but… argh… i need to sleep ;^;…! but… but…!

1. i’m kind of worried about my Tenshi no revolver DVD purchase. i have a feeling i’m missing out something, particularly this pic of Acchan:

according to advertised on that ebay shop, what i bought should be the FIRST-PRESS limited edition.

( FIRST PRESS limited vs limited ONLY )

I honestly want to watch BUCK-TICK live someday (also DeG X3). they really make one of the most beautiful lives on earth.

2. yuichi spazzing about mr.children… aklsflsdfljdslfjldsjf♥! (i’m honestly impressed by some of their videos… my non-japanese loving friend/videographer loves some of their videos too)

3. i honestly like Baba’s coat/shirt combo in this one♥ (accentuating/giving the illusion of a long neck…♥♥♥).

4. i’m in this mode of going through Masa’s old blog again. because i honestly felt shocked that i missed some of his photos =__^;; i could be OC like that.

5. Kazuki and Masa posting almost the same title on the same day… ♥♥♥! (i’m really fond of people who never forget their roots…)

6. and i think these two really have such honest, mutual admiration for each other (lovely senpai-kouhai times!) dunno why he’s not updating about his upcoming Kuromyu though=___=;;.

7. awww Ryuu-chan~~~ (you and Kuu-chan really make me wanna have a really cute dog, for a change! though i honestly want a Siberian Husky)

8. awww Takkun♥♥♥ (i honestly still love cats more! because the stand-offish side of me is nearest to their personality… and low-maintenance XD!)

9. craving for atm:

not because of Alice, actually. but because of another person XDDD…

( modelShirotan, obscure mags, dictionaries et al )

10. who can resist Sanji???:

and… alsdjflsflsdjflsdj Yuu Yuu:

…why don’t i have that much money ;^;…

11. and who can resist this cuteness?:

i frequently see them around here, somehow…

but because of Masa i’m honestly quite enamored to this version:

i would also have loved it if he had a birthstone too or something… Play-Asia, you’ll be the death of me >__<. but i’m so looking forward to my Sebastien Michaelis. ahaha. 

12. my gmail companion! and who i wanted to post for so long:

13. I really feel tempted to buy Shion’s single, just because of Baba’s pv. aldskjflkdsfj =__=;; (but, really, her song is also very nice *___*~~~)

sorry. this is really how i post XD… spamming pics to death and killing your inboxes in the process. i’m trying to limit myself, honestly… and i’m actually testing something right now XD.

1. finally! today:

alsdkdsklfjdks i didn’t realize that the Canon was that small.
and Gackt*____*. i’ve always wanted to buy the limited version of this single (because of the epic dvd with it!)
and… Vassalord*_____*. well — everything i’ve read so far! but the extras with it… are really a surprise*___*♥♥♥.

2. and, yesterday:

alskfhslkdfhdlkshfldshfldsh I’M STILL FLAILING NOW BECAUSE OF EXTREME HAPPINESS. though, admittedly, i spent the whole day today encoding Buck-Tick’s Mona Lisa BGV from their Akuma to Freud: Climax Together DVD, just to compare codecs. But still…! this feeling of happiness and giddiness i have spent in listening to the album yesterday… just won’t go away! i’m really dying to listen to it again! (but, alas! my pc is not that powerful and i only have one disc player ahaha >__<).
ah… i still have to gush more about this album tomorrow. and my semi-final Masa favorite playlist =3

3. um. as i mentioned above. what i’ve been doing today:

left is the original according to my PowerDVD, next is Xvid, then h264. it’s not noticeable difference as PS had done further compression through PNG >.<, but being too critical on video quality (the fault of being a film major >.<;;;), there’s the issue of more artefacts at Xvid…
looks like h264 is the way to go.
at least from the Aimersoft rip. i also tried Total Video Converter’s DivX50, Lossless HUFYUV avi, Lossless Rawvideo avi. but Quicktime couldn’t play the Lossless ones, so i couldn’t do a comparison >__<;;.
why Mona Lisa? aside from liking this BGV version, i actually have… plans. XD. and it’s… Masa related. to be explained soon…!

4. alfjdslfjdslfdlsjfk I SAW A SALE OF A LIMITED VERSION OF LONGINUS. AND MONA LISA OVERDRIVE ~XANADU~. AND TENSHI NO REVOLVER. OMG. wantingwantingwanting! (but… no money…. *cringe*)

wanting stuff i couldn’t buy yet, being in trouble with amortizations, being in trouble at work, craving alcohol, while listening to/remembering Masa and his album and daydreaming — strangely these are moments when i genuinely feel alive.

5. i realize i possibly couldn’t be a seiyuu, because work is saying my voice is so “no smile”. or, technically, flat. what.
(i’m starting to believe this is one of the reasons why i’m most of the time misunderstood. -__-. what can i do??)

6. kinda related to above — i went to the doctor today.

i noticed these past few weeks my energy level’s been dropping quite drastically, that i was actually unable to go to work yesterday >__<. i’m actually kind of alarmed now. and it feels like it’s not just due to the heat. (i’m actually surprised i’m not getting sick yet, because usually my “getting sick” time is this time of the year — or is it around May? — when the temperature drops drastically. and considering too that just a few weeks ago i came back from a very cold country to this shock of a heatwave here…)
though i’m really adverse to the idea of having to resort to taking medication just to fix my body, i think i really need help now ~___~.
but what could be the cure to “extreme weariness” anyway???

…doctor says i’m nearing over-fatigue and anemia already @__@. uh.

7. i really want to study Latin officially. and begin with the Japanese as well. i think it’s possible. but again, no money >___<…